by Joshua Patterson, A.K.A. The Kronikler
One Sunday my pastor taught about boundaries and their significance in a social and professional context. He explained how boundaries, whether cultural or organizational, influence the manner in which we address certain figures of authority. Boundaries set limits for casualness and transparency. You can be trapped within a boundary if your ideas and perspectives match the thought pattern of a group or society. You can be locked outside of a boundary or a number of boundaries if you’re a dynamic thinker.
This thought interests me, mainly because of how strong a metaphor it serves for friendships and romantic relationships. Have you ever seen an action or secret agent movie, the ones where the hero or some mysterious character is infiltrating a headquarters stacked with security? The unwelcome guest surveys an area that looks open and accessible — right up until they use that special spray can. The agent sprays the chemical housed in the can over the space before them, and a maze of lasers appear. So much for open access!
How is this trope of popular culture applicable to relationships? You see, as you make friends with a companion, a network — one with its own unique shape — is in formation. As you get to know someone better, chemistry develops, an element of relation that basically serves as our “spray”. This chemistry not only helps to improve your knowledge of your peers, but where you stand in relation to them; Chemistry dictates what is acceptable and unacceptable in relationships. I think that a major issue today’s culture faces in romantic relationships is a destructive tendency to accelerate the phases of friendship before a healthy pace has been established. While the fallout can be confoundingly blunt, the emotional trauma can leave a bad taste in your mouth that lasts for years.
At one point in my life, I met a remarkable woman of God, definitely the type of girl I find worth chasing. I was so euphoric over meeting a soul that seemed to be a perfect match, and so passionate in my pursuit, that my experiences inspired the following quote:
“You have to be a husband before you become a husband.”
I was determined to model the future I hoped to share with this young lady through my behavior. That is what the Christian calls “faith”. The resolution, in retrospect, was beautiful, but the attitude was a little naïve.
Let’s demote the above by a few grades. “You have to be a husband before you become a husband.” True. But you have to be a FRIEND before you become a FRIEND. There are levels to everything, and giving yourself time to figure out who a person is on a standard level of companionship may provide you with some critical information that may prevent you from rushing helter-skelter into heartache.
This young woman would ultimately prove not to be a fit, but my experience with her taught me three important lessons:
BE PATIENT, because it’s easy to allow anxiety to push you into chasing someone who — in the long run — may prove to be outside of your “pace”.
BE DISCERNING, because a love interest may be a mismatch for reasons you won’t initially see, and
BE AT PEACE, because the “one” who belongs to you will ultimately be yours according to God’s timing and purpose.
Pace yourself, and don’t be discouraged. It’s possible to enter a relationship with a healthy dose of expectation. It’s possible to enjoy a friendship without amplifying that friendship to a level of intimacy that it hasn’t matured into. My experiences in the tricky world of dating have taught me more lessons than what I can share in a single conversation. Hopefully, they’ll help me do the right thing when the right person arrives.
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My name is Joshua Patterson and I am a two-time self-published author, artist, public speaker, and entrepreneur in the making. Like what you saw here? Feel free to check out more of my content via the social media links below: Instagram (@thekronikler) Twitter (@The_Kronikler) Facebook (Facebook.com/TheKronikler)
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“I’m the man I am today because I prepared for tomorrow.”
- Joshua Patterson